{Thursday, March 30, 2006 YY
30th March 06.
PI night. -maybe just exactly what i needed.
prophetic intercession. it probably was great though maybe 9 tenth of the time, you'd probably be praying. but it was good. it really was. i mean, i stepped into the chapel not knowing anything about what was going to happen. i stepped in there tired and just blahhs. wanting to get it over and done with. and then worship started and you could just feel the lord's presence just residing in there. it was overwhelming and everyone was just engagin and worshipping him. somehow, just somehow, that reluctancy to actually go vanishedd. somehow, the weariness just disappeared. it was great, just soaking myself in his presence after a very crazy and stressed out week. probably what i seriously needed. the prayer was prayers for the church and trinitarians and blahhs and then when pastor peter suddenly talked about the heart. how in ezekiel[was it ezekiel??] it said for our hards to soften. so as to allow god to move in this place to bring our faith to a new level.. to soften that stoned heart of ours. and while he was just talking it just dawned upon me how, my heart just needed the love of god. how i needed him to soften that stone hard heart of mine... and he told me.. he told me.. "to stop questioning. to let go and give it to him. and he said, "Ariel, love me. love me again like you did before. Ariel, love me... love me. for i'm always there. i love you.." and his love just fell upon me and i was refreshedd. that stressed out crazy me just somehow faded away, disappeared. vanished. gone. it was gone. and i'm refreshedd. and happy. for once in a very, very long time, i dunt feel stress. not at all...
today.today.today.
it sucks how no matter what, my mind never fails to drift off to somewhere. and that somewhere is probably the place i'll never want to go. thinking and thinking and thinking. really, why am i even wondering and wondering about things that isnt needed to be thought about? is there so much to even think about?!!?! why is it so super easy to drift off? why do i keep thinking about it. is ti because i'm probably in denial? or is it because i'm super bo liao and retardedd that i have to keep just re-thinking about the possible reasons to my answers and the what ifs.?!?!?!? ahh bleahhs. i'm just feeling i dunno what right now. it sucks how een right now i'm thinking. and thinking. and thinking about things i probably shouldnt, and maybe about things i know i'd have thought about anyways. i dunt know if i'm making any sense. hahas. i sound quite mental.
and i still cant believe they sell pads at popular in school. like... ERRR... -.- so crazy. like what the!!! pshhh. and then when i was going home after PI night, there was this lady, she took something out from her bag and then a pad dropped. i know.. embarrassing. like bwhahahs. super funny and hilarious. and i dunt mean to be mean or anything but.. how can you even be so careless?!?!?! AIYO!! bwhahahhas.
and i miss you, that's all you ever have to know. i'm probably living in denial. but it doesnt matter, because i dunt ever want to admit. for i dunt want you to ever know, that you're probably the world to me.. . .. .
thoughts just floating about in that mepty space.
-Riel
;`10:05 PM
{Tuesday, March 28, 2006 YY
28th March 2006,,,
physics.physics.physics.
why cant i get it? what's wrong with me? isnt it quite straight foward? why cant i just get it?!!?! darn, waht's wrong with me..
physics.
oh what a dumb subject. i cant do math. and neither can i do physics. oh wonderful. rawrr. i totally did not do home ec pract today and i know benn will KILL me. but heck. i couldnt do it anyways.. i fell asleep. and my mother left to go do stuff. so i didnt do it. darn. i'm sure i'll fail home ec too. ARGH. THIS IS SO NOT HAPPENING!!
stressed.
why now? why all of a sudden? am i dying? am i finally experiencing what im supposed to during the start of the first few months? why now? i wonder. nothing's getting to my brain. i think i'm close to losing control. i think i need psychiatric help because i think i'm going psycho. *touchwood* i justt... dunt know what to do anymore. and i'm close to breaking down. oxygen feels so limitedd around me. i cant seem to breathe. .. i dunt wanna be like this anymore. i'm turning out to be some freakish monster. i dunt want to be this person anymore. what the heck is happening to me?
Pressure qst. "changes the state of rest.." i dunt even get waht this means. i feel stupid. i dunno what's happening to me anymore. is it just me? or am i really just standing there alone? because i feel crapped up and lost now. i dunt know whawt to do anymore. i want to give up. i cant tak this anymore. i'm dying. i'm fading. and i want to break down. this sucks.
and so, you've been there. like you always were. and i thank you. and wonder. what would i do if you never were there. .. and you're a superhero in my eyes.. .
mushed up brain.how great is that?!
-Riel
;`8:24 PM
{Monday, March 27, 2006 YY
27th March 2006-
and i hate school.
why does it seem that when everything's just almost in place, everything just suddenly crumbles to the ground and the cycle of picking up the pieces needs to be done again. why does it seem that when your life seems so normal and suddenly it breaks into chaaos and you find yourself slipping down towards the bottomless pit. where you will never ever stop falling. how is it that when you feel as if you've grown and became stronger and yet emerge from where you were before realising that you never did grow, you just became weaker. and weaker. and weaker.. and what if, what if your life was like a story, part of a book, and in this chapter, everything seemed so fine, you're fine, the people around you seem okay. and suddenly, it makes a u-turn and everything just seems so wrong now. and you know it'll never be the same again. that maybe all those thoughts you had in that mind of yours was purely fictional, that in this chapter, you were never fine and the people around you, they were never okay. and what if one day you go to sleep thinking that tomorrow would be great, everything would've been fine and when you awoke, you realised that you had just stepped into a nightmare and that you'd never be able to get out, not for long. what happened if you thought that there would always be that someone to always be there for you, and when you look around the place you're in, you realise how alone you stand, how so many people's got each other and you've got no one... you stand in an alley and watch as the cars go by. and you wonder, do they even notice that you're standing there.. you sit and stare as time ticks by, and you start to ask yourself, am i even visable?? Or am i really just fading into the background....??
math.
the crappiest subject to ever live on the earth. and yet when you think about it, if there was no math, what would life be like? if there was no money, how would we survive? if there were no numbers, how would we count? dang. the partial reason why i hate math too is because i dont understand the subject. and i'm doing badly. i cant grasp any of the concepts. and miss soo isnt helping either. i know if she were to read it, she could sue m maybe, but really, her lessons just confuse me and i cant really be bothered to actually ask her what she's talking about because she'll probably just brush me or off or something. heck,she really is quite lousy. =X no offense or anything. but i just aint doing well in her classes. and they're so boring half the time i'm trying not to fall asleep.
is it true that once we change we're no longer the same? everything's different? what's happening to you? what's happening to me? i dunt even know. i'm losing it. this life is tough to handle. especially when you're there and yet not there. and when i need you, you cant ever be there. ..
and i stand alone?
-Riel
;`9:41 PM
{Wednesday, March 22, 2006 YY
22nd march 2006,,
And as i reflect and look back at term one.. i see how much i've procrastinatedd. i see how much crapp i went thru.. and now that it's term two.. it's still same old same old. i mean besides the fact that i'm extremly tired during first few periods and i cant concentrate at all. it kind of stinks.it hasnt been a good start. and i'm looking foward to the holidays already. it's been tiring. and i'm near dead.. close to dying even. haiix.
math test was painfully hard. maybe it's because i didnt study hard enough. or maybe it's because i'm plain dumb. i didnt manage to finish the paper. left the last page blank. it sucked alot. i never hand in uncompleted tests before. and it's crappy. i hate school.. i so badly wnat to roll into a ball and just fade away.. i want to grow wings.. i want to fly.. fly. fly away.
i'm stressed. and i wont deny that it's killing me. and i feel like breaking down. because it's jsut coming down hard. and i'm just quite off now.. rawrr..i desperately need to de-stress.. GAHH
i wanna fly away to anywhere but here.
- Riel
;`8:48 PM
{Tuesday, March 21, 2006 YY
21st March 2006,,,
so, we had a debate today for Lit. and i was on proposition.. it was so retarded. the question was whether caddy and michael were ideal for each other. and from the starting to the ending, the propostion side was super sucky. it first started of with SY saying that caddy and michael's age gap was ideal and that they were ideal for each other and i'm like WHAT THE?!?!?! it's 6 years man! 6 whole years!! how can anyone think that 6 years of age difference is an ideal difference in a realtionship. it's so stupid. i mean it's 6!! then later i think either A or XY said that 6 years is ideal because then the guy can protect her. and it's like totally crapped because the guy does not have to be SOOOO old to protect you. i mean even if the guy was younger and he was strong and well-built and tall, he can ALSO protect you. -.- their points dont even make any sense! and then they said because he's older then he can give Caddy a sercurity. So it's partially true, but then again, they didnt even make it clear larr. so they're trying to say younger people cannot give security arrhs? that's totally crazy larrs. does that mean that if an 18 year old teenager dates a 45 year old man then he would give her A LOT of security? -.- rawrr. so lame. i cant believe proposition was so sucky. and there were TWO debaters!! one of which just got INTO the team!! ahh, sighh it was so embarrassing seeing them talk a whole lot of rubbish. opposition was really good though. rae wern talks a whole load of sense. everything jsut made sense. oh wells, i shall end my rant about now. .
IGNYTE games day was quite nice. it wasnt fantastic but at least it was better than SPARKS. i liked my group members .they were very supportive. and FUN. was in brown 1. =)) bombing game was fun. i think the first and second round, we never got bombed once because no one knew there was a brown. hahas. service was good i guess. bout whether i would make a stand for god. and become like a jesus freak..
higher chi test today was quite easy though i didnt read the book finish. thank god it was open book. i'm not confident that i'll do well though. dunt know why. math test tmrw. quite scary. it's an impt one. i'm not preparedd. i'm feeling quite lethargic. and i'm not quite concentrating. sighh it's term 2 now. another few months before june hols. why cant time pass faster?!?! i need that rest badly. i cant wait for saturday. i need a rest.
i need to breathe badly. i want to quit school. school stinks!!!
weirder by the minute.
-Riel
;`8:40 PM
{Thursday, March 16, 2006 YY
16th March 2006,,,
sand and sun filled day.. it was F.U.N. =)) arriving at 10.15 in church was pure torture. was really tired. and the chinese book i read on the way to church made it even worse. took a cab with inez and sis cherie to habour front. and we bought a loaf of cheese bread for 3.50. it tastedd so good that we went to buy another. ahhas.. the outing was just fabb. =)) from getting pushed into the sea water by grace an a few others.. to pushing people into the sea.. yeahhs, it was pretty fun. later there was a sand war. thanks to bro zhicao who started the stupid shampoo to the hair thing. then it was girls vs guys. it always happens.. hahas. justin was pretty annoying. he just kept throwing sand even when everyone had stopped. but then it probably wasnt his fault... he was probably boredd. then there was chet and eugene.. who kept throwing sand and shampooing my hair with sand. rawrr.. hahas. and bryan?? brian?? who just threw quite randomly at anyone that was within a few metres away. hahhas.. Keith threw too. he threw it close to my ear!! RAWRR. i think there was so much sand in our scalp that when we left we shampooed our hair several times and lotsa ppl did look quite annoyedd. ahhas.. oh wells.. 6 girls VS 9 guys. totally wasnt fair.. but oh wells. was fun anyways. krystle, my fellow sand throwing buddy. hahahas.. rawrr. i got sand in my mouth and eyes quite a number of times... thanks to chetwin. he threw it in my mouth. rawrr. probably randomly throwing. oh wells..
went to P.S after that to eat dinner. ate yong tau fu. tasted satisfying.. on the way to P.S: stupid eugene and keith claimed that i liked nico and then they called him. not really sure if they really did. but i did scroll thru eugene's call log and he did call nicodemus. and keith intentionally put him on speaker. but then i dunt know if it was him because it was really noisy.. hrmms.. they were psycho people. hahas.. went to arcade after that.. played outrun2. i won first. LALALAs. hhahas watched like ten twenty people play the drum thing.. it was really cool.. hahas. and there was this specific person who played guitarfreak or something and from the first note to the laste note. it was perfect!! and she did like 300 plus plus combos!! ahh it was crazyy.. and when all of us started leaving at about 9 plus.. there was this guy who played the drum game and the notes just went past like super fast... and he could get everything all perfect. like.. i couldnt not even catch the thing moving!! and he could whack them so perfectly!! woahhh!!!
on the way home was crappy. i had to go home alone. it was stupid. but gave me time to think. and it wasnt a good thing. realised competitions tmrw. and i'm dead... i'm scaredd like crazyy. and.. i'm close to losing it. ahhas. oh wells.. will pray about it.. i'm running for god and not for men.. let me try get it into my head.. AHHHHHHHHH... crappp....
oh wells. i love outing today. thanks for the sun block mich. although my face is still red. i forgot to put it on my face... -.- red faced now. hahhas..
mixture of happy and scaredd... i need a peace of mind and heartt..
-Riel
;`11:17 PM
{ YY
16th March 2006,,
it's midnight already. time does seriously past so fastt.. i'm busy. really busyy. i'm stressedd. well quite i guess and i wonder. how am i to finish holiday hw by SUNDAY?!?! blahhs.. it's so crappedd upp. my holidays seems so packed. and i dunt really even have time to relax and just bum around aimlessly. this really sucks..
competition's on friday. i run slow. it's quite depressing. my ankle hurts. i missed trng on tuesday. i hate it. i need trng. i cant run any faster. i'm super pissedd. LOL okay. this isnt helping. Wings race on friday. and i dunt even know what time it starts!! what time do i even have to be there? who to borrow vest from.. it's like.. what the.. rawrr... so messy.. and time isnt really helping either. it just ticks by, whether you like it or not...
prophetic night thing today was good. so maybe what jeann said was right. you actually do come out of the audi quite mixed upp because whatever they tell you and pray for you about will probably stir something in your heart. and in this case it did.. it's good, really. and i loved it tons. i cant say anything bad about it. and the lord was just there. it was superr strong. and he was just there. and i met him : ))
i did the math assignment like just.. 10 minutes ago. and i passed by 2 marks!! super careless.. i cant believe i mistook descending for ascending!! RAWRR. i want to kill myself. and like, rawrr all stupid careless mistakes!! ahh. darnn.. my art's turning out quite nicely. though the face looks distorted with random textures and all. but it doesnt matter. going for the cell outing laterr.. at about 9, i'll leave the house.. i'm not so sure what's happening but yeahhs. hopefully it'll all turn out okay..
i'm really tiredd. and the work load i have seems to scare me quite a bit... like right now.. and i'm thinking about it. and thinking.. and i find finishing all of them quite impossible.. rawrr.. imagine being in upper sec. i think i'll DIE!!! haiix. oh wells, shant be such a pessimist. i'm sure i'll end up coping somehow. it always happens...
i'm running out of time.. .
- Riel
;`12:35 AM
{Saturday, March 11, 2006 YY
11th March 2006,,
netball competition, mms, MG B and C div won! screamed Alot.. pretty glad i went.. quite fun. =))
Service was good today. speaker was super funny.. "i'm a boy. i understand boys and they're a little bit stupidd." hahas. super funny. mms, sermon was pretty touching.. i liked it tons.. mmms, michel's birthday today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! she was bullied by keith and co. so evil.. the food was good. i ate alot. i'm growing fat. LOL. hrmms, went to macs to buy an apple. they're apples arent as sweet as home's. stayed at island creamery so study. read that lame book ca;;ed a boy's diary. quite gross.. bout wet dreams written in chinese and how the boy likes the girl and stuff. abit crazyy.. seeing as i'm a girl and reading about a boy.. ^.6 oh wells.. no choice..
homework's pretty much quite loaded. no time to go out. but i'll try to find time.. i need plenty or rest. rawrr.. i'm tiredd.. people say sec 1 is a honeymoon year. and i'm already quite dead and drained now.. whatmore sec 2, 3 and 4? the thought's just scary...
let me not think about it
-Riel
;`11:17 PM
{Thursday, March 09, 2006 YY
9th March 2006,,
MG sizzler's won for cheerleading!!! YAYY!!! their routine was like darn nice!!!
Magnum didnt. for 5 years they won first and now.. they got second/ heart shattering.. all of them was crying. and when i saw Dion walking back stage his face was sad. emotionlessly sad?? not sure. just.. SAD. disappointed. a girl didnt exactly want to go up stage because she was cryingg. awww... sad.. i feel sad for them too!!! so heart breaking!!but still MG won!! YAY YAY YAY!!
the highlight of cheerobics besides the cheerleading was that hip hop crew with a bunch of girls. oh man they really rocked at what they were doing.. ahhh super duper nice.. oh man oh man oh man..
i'm high. i'm tiredd. i wanna sleep. i dunt wanna do math hw. oh wells. X ctry race on friday next week. should i run? i run slow. i feel pressurizedd. there's rachel and merriyln on my team. MERRILYN!!!! rawrrrr....
cheerobics all the way..
- Riel
;`10:40 PM
{Tuesday, March 07, 2006 YY
7th March 2006,,
some people, just dont know when to stop defending themselves and apologize...
oh wells, not particularly pissed off at her or anything. just somewhat amusedd at how human beings really react to such accidents. you break it, you admit. and not accuse someone else. especially when that someone else was a victim due to your carelessness. it hurts abit actually, the scratches on my leg. wait, of course it does, it's glass!! then again, sometimes human being tend to err too. maybe she didnt want to lose face. or maybe she never really did know that she was the 'culprit' but yeahhs, it doesnt matter now. though what scares me the most was when she stared at me with those huge eyes of hers that bulged out.. not to be critical or anything.. it just scares me.. especially when she pointed at me and went, "IT'S NOT ME! IT'S HER!" oh wells, it's overr anyways... everyone make mistakes.. everyone should be given another chance... =))
fruits tend to make me high.. that's random =)) i love honeydews. and rockmelon and watermelon. hrmms. orange and red and green white yellowish colouredd. they taste sweet and juicy and yumm.. i'm officially highhed.. 1M created a blogg. i want a class shirtt!! rae wern should design it!! then it'll be animefiiedd. hee. blog URL for one thing is so irrevelant.. like, what has it got to do with 1M? i wonderr. i personally do not like the URL. it's like... rawrr.. so.. dottishh.. arghh..oh wells, i've got no say. just an ordinary girl living in an ordinary world. sitting on an ordinary chair. in an ordinary position. i'm just a small being. part of 1M. it doesnt matter what i say cox i'm not class chairman. hahhas. LOL.. chairmans do have a big say in the everything dont they? hehhs..
shariing tmrw. something small. no idea whether it'l be okay. pretty weirdd feeling. suprisingly, i'm quite calm. i think i'll die tmrw. hahas.. not yet done with preparation. i'm pretty much procrastinating. not doing chinese hw.
lil bro's hilariously mad.. i think he likes someone.. and that person's a guy.. oh man.. poor dude. he'll kill me if he find outtt... is this called lying? or what?
soon to be dead. someone ought to save me. =))
- Riel
;`8:13 PM
{Thursday, March 02, 2006 YY
2nd March 2006,,
gone for uber long... mmms, basically, been quite stressedd. rawrr.. got back my average for this term.. it wasnt good at all. disheartening. sad. discouraging. makes me so pissed at myself. didnt bother to study much. procrastinatedd... ahh.. that's what procrastination does to you i suppose.. had an eye infection that lasted 2 days maybe? hrmms, it was full of crapp. i hate it. i couldnt see when i woke up in the morning.. going to the doctor was a sad sad thing. it felt SOO long. especially when waiting for it to be your turn. i notice that people stare at you so weirdly as if you're from outerspace! i mean like, the whole reason i'm visiting the doctor's is because i'm sick. -.- with an eye that looks outrageous. Didnt go to school for a day and missed two tests. Geog and higher chinese. in a way, it might have been a blessing in disguise maybe, because i procrastinated on Sunday and did not study for higher chinese. And then i was exhausted, mentally and physically on Monday, and did not study much for higher chinese. To summarise it all, i wasnt even the slightest bit preparedd. and then in the night my eye turned slightly swollen. itched like crazy. i rubbed it and ta-daa. my eye died on me. hahas. Had two days of MC but i wanted to go for geog and higher chinese test. dumb me. hahas. mrs chong made me run all over the place finding her but no, i didnt even see her once!! so annoying!! So,i did geog test today and got to miss assembly. yay! kinda sick of the anthem and school song and the pledge... GAhh.. then had PE. gym.. grrr... i looked so retarded doing that routine.. it's okay larrs. just like. aye.. badd badd badd..
new math teacher. Miss Soo. or Su. whatever. Abit funny. quite drama.. and she goes like this, "1M YO YO!!" and we have to reply like "what's up miss Su.." so lame. but errs.. okay nvm.. shall not comment. hahas. she's pretty nice. at least she doesnt talk about her social life. hahas. =)) been feeling relatively tired all week.. need more rest.. it's almost close to March hols already. i'm hoping time passes by faster. i need a break. i need it quick. i love mg-nyte. =)) i love it loads. where i can grow so much in the lordd. hrmms, it's time for me to run back to the source i guess... cant keep running away from him anymore...
certain people making me worried. not nice a feeling. you dunt say you're okay when you're not!!!!
bleahhs. my lil bro's psycho.. he's been talking to Mr. Ichigo. ahahas and thinks Mr Ichigo is a girl. hahas hahas.. it's rather funny how annyoing my brother can be and no matter how many times i 'kill' him, he still not afraid..
ahh crapp. something just happened..
-Riel
;`10:16 PM