{Thursday, November 22, 2007 YY
my schedule has been pretty much very busy ever since i came back from LTC. Hurrah
=X that actualyl sucks a lot. i'm stressed so much now. and really very, very busy. sigh.
but the point is to have fun in everything i do.
to do it to the best of my ability.
to not burn out, trying to do everything by myself
and to always depend on my maker for the strength.
and i know i can do this,
because i know you're with me through everything (:
daddy saves! ((:
anyways, shall take what's left of my time while waiting for kim to send me the proposal to give happy birthday shout outs! ((:
=X that actualyl sucks a lot. i'm stressed so much now. and really very, very busy. sigh.
but the point is to have fun in everything i do.
to do it to the best of my ability.
to not burn out, trying to do everything by myself
and to always depend on my maker for the strength.
and i know i can do this,
because i know you're with me through everything (:
daddy saves! ((:
anyways, shall take what's left of my time while waiting for kim to send me the proposal to give happy birthday shout outs! ((:
HAHA. we forced you to do that. SO CUTEEE! ((:
Firstly, to beloved mimi Michelle,
though we're not in the same class anymore next year, you're still one awesome friend. Happy 14th Birthday dear! (: although i'm gna turn 15 already!! MUAHAHHA. actually, it's good to be younger. tskk tskk, that's not the point. i love you tons dear. (: and through this entire year, sitting in front of you has been infinitely fun (: i'm really gonna miss you. and all our endless chatter about who's good and who's not. but nevertheless, we'll forever be good friends and you'll forever be the one and only MIMI (: Hope you have an enjoyable today and i pray that you will continue to grow in your walk with God. I LOVE MICHELLE KOH HUI WEN ((:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :))
Posuer. LOLL you look like a DIVA ((: LOVEEand next to my love, Joelle Yong (:
heh, my gong toot partner (: hmm, happy blessed birthday love (: Heh. And i pray that you'll continue to impact lives around you and that you'd be able to become that beautiful light and salt for the world, that when people see you, they won't see joelle yong, but they'd see that love and passion for Him that you carry around. and i see that ((: keep growing dear! Hope you had fun yesterday ((: it was awesome fun. though i didnt spend as much time with you and all. but i'll devote more time to you another time! LOLL (: i love you tons!!! aand i'm so glad that i've someone who's around my height? but oh wells (: you're the lamest, funniest, craziest clumsiest person i know. and yet you're so adorable, funny, and kind-hearted. you may be emo sometimes but i love you for that. cause you're you. JOELLE YONG (: and i love you!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR! ((:
and yupp shoutout ends, it's been a long long day. and i'm currently facinated with Kamisama Mou Sukoshi Dake which technically is Precious time or God please give me more time. I love, love, love the show! although i hardly have time for it these few days. but oh wells ((: it's so nice, and sad. It's really old though. and i remembered them showing it on TV when i was P2!! AWW, it's so good (: i love, love the show. and the female lead is so pretty. (: i sound so les. EEE.
anyways, i realised i'm very protective over my brother.
and i have no idea why. everyone says my younger brother is cute.
ahah (: normally people would say that their younger siblings are horrible. but i think otherwise. i love ym little brother. regardless of all the spastic things he does to me (: YAY!
and there you go i posted again, because you wanted me to. so enjoy reading. it isnt as random though (: can't spend too much time posting hee hee. i'll blog another time.
and i realise how sometimes people just dont want to change. how pride just causes them to lose themselves. how their pride hinders them from moving from a potential to a fullfillment. how their pride leads them astray, how their pride blinds them from seeing all their flaws, from listening to advice.
Pride, and i think it kills.
It eats you up slowly, it bribes you to see past all your flaws. and even in the midst of correction, it causes you to look away, to be ignorant, to come to a stand still. It causes you to turn a deaf ear. With pride, as a result, you never change. you remain the same. the old same self that is chipped.
Why? Why instead of smoothening sharp edgest, you leave it as that? So that you can cut people? I guess human nature is really horrible. And i wonder to what point will you then ever see that you need to change. that change is inevitable.
i guess maybe in time to come, when a person doesnt change he'll learn it the hard way right?
well i hope you don't.
sometimes i think i try too hard,
and sometimes i wish i didnt have to.
i dont want to.
but even so, if i don't, it'll just come to nothing.
and that's the last thing i ever want.
ever.
your strength that keeps me going
-Riel
;`11:27 PM
{Wednesday, November 14, 2007 YY
and before i leave for CAMP, i shall post.
tskk tskk.
i hate it when people give me the WEIRD look.
the i-know-you're-from-MG look
and the who-are-you-with look
GEE.
It's quite weird and it's awkward, like they're staring and yet trying not to look conspicuous, when actually it's SO super obvious. And now that Timmy's grown much taller than me i get those looks more often than when he was shorter. BOO.
I want a Tee that say; the dude beside me is my brother. that way everybody wont give me weird looks anymore. Hurrah! ((:
Ah hah, but if you think of it in a really, really different perspective, everyone is like that isn't it? Quick to judge, and naturally very, very curious. So, that makes it more forgivable and tolerable i think. =X
Oh wells.
Went out with Timmy today. Yupp, that caused a lot of stares, especially since we were in the Bukit Timah area where on average, you see at least one or two people you know personally or you know exist. HAHA. Out with Timmy was, fun. At least i think that is the word. And i think i have the most adorable brother in the whole wide world. HAHA, he's so, hmm,
Episode ONE
"Can you just wear slippers?! We're just going out to Top up my EZlink card!!"
"No, i get blisters when i wear slippers!"
"Err, okay. fine, hurry."
"YAYA"
(start to walk out)
"Actually, you know why i wear shoes?"
"Why?"
"Because later if i see *, then...."
(DIAOO)-.-
Episode TWO
"You know ar, it'll be so coincidental if we see *."
"And why would we see *?"
"Coincidence!"
"Yeah, right. Like * lives here"
"Maybe, maybe * come here for dinner how?"
"Err, Yeah sure, it's only 4.30. LOLL!"
"Oh, Sigh"
(Amused)
HAHA, there was a few more where i remembered laughing at him, just can't remember why. OH WELLS. still have last minute stuff to pack in. and i'll be back by, saturday. LONG CAMP.
and i wonder why i'm not looking forward to it.
Tskk tskk. and Gis is my SF! Now, that is a coincidence HAHA! (:
and could we go back to when yesterday?
- Riel
;`9:55 PM
{Sunday, November 11, 2007 YY
i found this on Jo's blog and then Xue's and i thought, that sounds nice.
so there you go;
List up to ten things you want to say to ten different people in no particular order. Do not state who these people are.
1. I see you now, what was a small kid, now is no more. and when I look at you, I see someone older, someone brighter, someone with hopes, dreams, passion, desires. When I see you, I know how much potential you have, I know you will rise up, and I can’t wait for that day to come. I honestly am excited. And all I wish was that you wouldn’t keep seeing me as a bad person, all I wish is that you wouldn’t need to keep telling people, telling yourself how much I don’t care about you, how much we don’t care about you. Because truth is, I care. And I hate for you to feel inferior, never making it up to the mark. I hate that you feel as if you’re not good enough, because no matter what, you’re still you. You have talent, you have joy, you have the ability to make people smile on their darkest days. It’s all in you, you just have yet to notice. You truly are special, sometimes more special than I see myself as.
2. You know what I hate? I hate that you think I don’t care. I hate that you think that I won’t take your words seriously. Because no matter how much I keep telling myself you don’t mean it, it still hurts me so much to hear you criticize me. To hear you make spastic jokes out of all my inadequacies. You think just because it’s you that it’s okay. It’s not you know. You know how tough it is for me to sit through your taunting and your cruel jokes that may seem harmless. Do you even know the pain that surges through me when I hear each and every single word? No you don’t, because you think it won’t matter to me. It matters; it matters so much so that it hurts. Just because I look like I’m just annoyed and mad doesn’t mean that I really am, because half the time I’m trying to pretend I don’t care. Half the time I’m trying to force it all down, suck it all up. But you know what? Enduring it all just isn’t enough. Because at the end of the day, the pain is still there. The fact that you make a joke out of me hurts. Sometimes I try to understand you but truthfully, it’s so tough. What happened to passion for God? Please stop playing your games if it does harm to your walk. I don’t want to see you lose sight of what God has for you anymore. Don’t be led astray. And no matter what, even after all the torment and pain, I forgive you and I love you all the same.
3. I’m sorry, and I know that an apology is never even enough to express how very sorry I am for always not expressing how I am to you. I know to you I’m like a closed door, so closed that you don’t even understand me. I’m sorry for not being able to meet up to your expectations. I know you deserve so much more. I know you hurt when we don’t act like how you hope for us to. For that, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. I know how hard you work; I know how much effort you put in to keep us together. I know how stressed you are. I’ve seen you think so hard, struggling through the night, wondering how to hold this together. Truthfully, I know I disappoint you. I know you wished for more that I’m not giving. I’m sorry for always being ignorant of your feelings. And though you hardly even know, you mean so much to me. Sometimes your empty threats scare me. What if one day I were to really lose you? And then? I know how silly I am, to shy away from you, to avoid you sometimes, to dread seeing you sometimes. I’m sorry really, I know it hurts you to know that I do that. I’m so very sorry. I’ll try my best to meet up to your expectations, to make you feel happy again. Small steps I say, I just hope you would be patient, I’ve never done this before as you know, we were never close somehow. Please don’t give up on me, or us. I know it hurts to hope, and I thank you for all you do for us, I love you really, I just hope somehow you can see it. I’m sorry. And thank you so much for everything.
4. You know, I feel guilty, sometimes I wonder is it really true that the only reason why we aren’t close is because we are different by nature? And sometimes I truly regret that I’m not as close to you as I am to others. It’s not that I don’t trust you. Naturally I’m stingy with trust, but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. I find myself wondering sometimes if I actually know you, and I wonder sometimes if you feel like you actually can trust me. There’s so many things about you that you hide from me, so many things that you refuse to open up to me. I know the only reason why that’s possible is because we’re not even close. But I’m angry really, mad at myself for not making a conscious effort to get to know you better. You’re so deep sometimes, so closed up to me that I can’t pry you open. I’m sorry for the times where I don’t seem to care about you. Truth is, sometimes, I don’t know what to say to you, I hardly believe that it’s the contrast in characters, I guess, maybe it really is because I don’t know you well. How I wish I could have realized soon, how I wished that you would trust me more, and I guess, time is short but I still care so much for you, I just don’t know how to get that across to you. I don’t hold anything against you and I really pray that one day, just someday, I could look at you and know what you’re thinking for once. Regardless, I love you tons, and I’m sorry that you’d always have to feel left out because I’m an idiot. Sorry. You really still mean a lot cause you’re one of the few that I really care for and love even though we’re so different. You really will grow into such women of God and I’m so proud of you. You don’t have to feel guilty; I’ve never blamed you for anything, ever. (:
5. You. I think time is a factor we all need. And sometimes I wish time would just come to a standstill so I could sit you down with me and spend days on ends talking to you. Catching up with you. Thank you for the many times that you’ve been there for me. Sometimes, things are left unsaid and yet you still know what’s running through my head. Thank you for always just understanding me and being there regardless of how closed I am sometimes. I’ve know you for so long now and I think I’ve seen you grow so much. Sometimes, it really amazes me to see what God has done in your life. Sometimes, I wish I was like you in certain or so many ways. I really look up to you, for so many things/qualities that you have that I don’t. and I’m really glad and blessed to have known you because it truly made a difference in my life. Through the days where I was so fragile, so numb, thank you for understanding, for being there. And though I know sometimes I suck at keeping ‘tabs’ on you, and asking you how you are, making sure you’re alright. Don’t forget that I care so much and that if you’re unhappy or hurt, it’d anger and saddened me at the same time. You’re really precious to me and I wonder what I would have done if God hadn’t blessed me with you.
6. I don’t know anymore. When I look at you, I feel distant. In some ways, it just feels that we’ve drifted. And all I wish is that we would be back the same way we were. And I hope you’re feeling much better now, because though we’ve been not so close anymore, I know that you’re hurting, because who wouldn’t be. I care you know, and it sucks for me to just watch and not know what to say, or rather, not be able to say anything. I pray that as time passes you’ll be able to pick yourself up and move on. I know you’re so much stronger than this and I know you know the plans that God has for you. I know the extent of your pain, or at least most of it anyways. And really, I applaud you for the smiles you give me when we meet. But really, I’d rather you break down than keep on smiling, cause it hurts me too. I can’t do anything now but I hope that when you can’t take it any longer, that you’d at least call me and let me tell you over and over again that it’s going to be okay. And that I’m always there. I really am.
7. I wish you would change. I know you keep telling me yes you can curb, it’s not a habit, you’ll be alright, stop worrying. But you know I can’t because I care too much. I hate it when you have to lie to me, and I hate it when I know how you’re feeling and yet you pretend to be alright. Stop pretending, I know it’s hard for you to keep remembering of all the things you don’t want to remember. I know it’s tough for you to face people every day and have those memories of your mistakes haunt you. But please if it hurts, don’t pretend to be okay. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t run to other methods to ease the pain. Don’t. cause it’ll hurt more after that. I know I’ve told you a thousand and one times how it’s not going to help. I know you’re tired of me nagging, saying the same things again and again but for once, can you please listen to me? Listen to the heart that goes out to you, and wishes for you to stop. Earnestly, I care. You should know that by now. You’re not alone you know. You don’t have to keep depending on yourself.
8. You know what hurts? The fact that I see you and your potential and yet you’re ruining it for yourself. So you say you love God, so please stop swearing. Please think before you speak, please don’t over react over the slightest things. I see you get pissed off as fast as a bullet train, and sometimes I try to understand, but to tell you the truth, you disappoint me sometimes. I know you feel left out sometimes. I know sometimes I leave you out. I don’t make an effort to include you in, I’m sorry. But please don’t learn from other people. Please stop swearing. Don’t get mad so fast, don’t curse so fast too. You might not know it, but sometimes your words can hurt others. And I know you get hurt easily too. So be careful okay? Don’t leave your heart out just for anybody to take it. Treasure it because you’re worth it. Don’t let some random idiots come and smash your heart all up for you. You don’t need them to be happy. God’s love is just enough (: and no matter what, I believe that God’s not yet even finished with you, his plans for you, there’s so much more to it, all you have to do, is walk in his ways, and please stop swearing.
9. When you’re around me, I see that you’re unhappy, that sometimes you’re just really sad and troubled. And I can’t help to think but is it because of me? I wish it were normal, and I wish I didn’t have to tell you that. I wish I had lied instead of telling you the truth. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I wish we could trade places. I don’t know if I’m really the source of all your unhappiness, but if it were so then I truthfully am sorry. I don’t say all these things aloud because I keep them all inside but I think you should know that I really didn’t mean for it all like this. And if I could choose, I wouldn’t have told you or wouldn’t have chosen what I chose this time. I wish so sincerely that if it’s just one person that didn’t have to hurt that much, it’d be you. I’m sorry.
10. And you, funny how I left you for last. And now I don’t really even know how to put it into words. The entire reason why I’m bothered sometimes, why I’m scared sometimes, why I’m mad sometimes, why I’m happy sometimes. Funny how your smallest bit of action or words can really leave an impact on me. I wish it weren’t so, because then I really would seem so vulnerable and prone to getting hurt. My source of confusion, i wish it was all easier for me. I hate picturing, dreaming, hoping because I know it’s wrong. And I’m
Wow, that was long and rather ___. i'll leave it to you to figure it out. i didnt really think it'd end up this way, but there you go. i didnt think i would have said all those. but i did so ah wells. =X
all the unsaid,
- Riel
;`9:00 PM
{Saturday, November 10, 2007 YY
hmm, as promised. here is a post to my awesome dead blog.
haha, for a girl, i do post really little.
My weeks are actually really free; slacking around, watching tv, talking on the phone, sleeping away, you get the rough idea. i think i seriously need to do something productive. if not my holidays will seem wasted. time passes really fast whether or not you're enjoying it i guess. oh wells ):
i'm contemplating on changing my blogskin since ive been having this for a really long time, not that anyone would care, but i'm seriously just very picky and so it takes ultra long for me to decide on one that i would be satisfied with. thus, i still haven't decided on whether to change the blogskin or not. either way, the background would stay black i guess. i dont know why but white just makes me feel funny. or maybe because i'm more of a black person than a white one. Tskk.
hmms, the P6s came for service the first time. it seemed just not long ago that i entered ignyte. although if you think about it, it's been 2 years actually. and and, my brother came in today, well officially. though i see him so much at FUEL that he seems to be like my TWIN instead. after all, everybody says he looks older than me, maybe cause he's taller too. PSHH. it's quite annoying to be short. BOO )):
and change. i suppose that it is pretty much quite inevitable that changes take place. and sometimes changes can be both good and bad. so, is this change a good or a bad one? somehow i think it leans on the bad side, but i cant help but think, how so? and then the statement that puzzles me quite a bit i must admit. " I dont even need to tell you but you do know that it's not good right?" and then i stopped myself from asking why?
and then the mental conversation with myself as usual, begins;
why exactly?
is it really?
what could possibly be wrong?
are you sure you don't know?
why didnt i ever see it in that way?
am i being ignorant?
.
.
.
However; BLANK. for once i really dont know if i actually know the answer to these.
AH WELL.
and and and, the only reason why no one would understand this is because i'm supposed to be the only one who knows exactly what i'm talking about. LOL! Moving on then;
My Beloved
And, HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIANG!! ((:
God bless and i pray that as you grow older you'd grow a year wiser too. It was nice having you in 2M. it's awesome having someone with a nice house and for being so hospitable, hosting class parties ((: thank you!
hmms, was it a lengthy post? ah wells, think i'll end here (:
and dear friend; Look, i blogged. (:
we fall down sometimes
- Riel
;`11:57 PM